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Back in the mid-1990s, I was in the news a lot. I even made the Peninsula Daily News, which is obviously celebrity status. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite an A-List celebrity because no woman ever asked me to sign her chest. This was probably a good thing because I was 11 and that would have been awkward. Actually, I think today it would still be awkward.
My fame was thanks to being kidnapped. I’m not making this up for cheap laughs either. I have proof! My grandma saved all the newspaper articles about my kidnapping. Why? Perhaps she thought I might like to make a lovely scrapbook commemorating the event? No, that's silly. My gram always saved articles with my name on them. She kind of loved me a lot. The feeling was mutual.
For those who weren’t here in 1995 or don’t remember, my kidnapper walked free because the county prosecutor didn’t want to extradite her from “One Mile From Mexico, California.” That's not the real town name, but it should be. I didn’t vote for him at the next election due to some hard feelings over the whole thing. Also, because I was 11.
I rarely think about that event anymore, but last week, I started working on my “Kidnapped '95” scrapbook and came across an article that I had forgotten about. In this article was a quote that I would like to read (write?) to you now;
“Why is this woman going to get off? If it is a matter of the budget, let’s fix it!”
Who was this brave individual who blasted officials for not doing the right thing? I’ll give you a hint; it’s the same guy who has been slanderized in my column many times for cheap laughs.
Yes, my knight in shining armor (snazzy suit, shining armor, same thing) was City Attorney Rod Fleck! Obviously, I’m feeling like an ungrateful schmuck right now. He was so supportive and what did he get in return? Slanderish accusations in my column whenever it was a slow news week.
To be fair to myself, we do have a lot of slow news weeks here. Nonetheless, the least I can do is show my gratitude and take a week off from my slanderizationing.
So, Dear Rod Fleck, thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your kind words mean a lot. Had I read this article sooner, I would have picked someone else to slanderize. In an attempt to make amends, you can count on my support from here on out. You absolutely have my vote and endorsement in the next City Attorney Election.
Wait, do we vote you in or does the mayor keep you on board to collaborate in corruption? Oops, there I go again with the slander. Old habits die hard. I’ll work on it.
Send questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or to Rod Fleck. He’ll pass them on. We’re practically best friends now.