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The Real Forks
By Christy Rasmussen
In Forks, April showers bring May showers … and then showers for the remaining months of the year only to be continued well into the next year. April showers also bring what parents of baseball players in Forks know as swimming lessons down at the Duncan Fields. In towns all across the United States, kids playing baseball are rarely required to bring much more than a mitt to practices and games. In Forks, mitts are optional, but life jackets are required to play baseball. If a Little Leaguer can prove that he/she can safely swim to first base, he/she may only be required to wear arm floaties. We don’t cancel baseball on account of a little thing called rain because the kids would AT BEST play one inning of one game. My husband looked at the weather and assumed that my daughter’s T-ball practice would be cancelled due to possible rain. Silly boy. We might possibly cancel on account of a tsunami, but only because it’s really hard to hit a tee that is floating around in feet of water.
On the off chance that it’s not raining, the fields are so muddy that players often go home with the wrong parents because all the kids look exactly the same — covered in a thick coating of mud and possibly a little grass from the outfield … holding a daisy if in T-ball. This little mishap is only discovered after the hosing down at home that ensues.
“Honey, we brought the wrong kid home again!” “Well, they all looked the same at the fields!”
The only real way to differentiate between children before a hose down is by comparing dental impressions. Since this is time consuming and expensive, the parents just take their chances every night and wait for the results after the hose is turned off. It’s like Russian roulette … Seriously, the kids are basically just practicing their mud wresting while parents of all teams are hoping that this practice never comes in handy.
If it for some reason happens to not be raining AND the fields are not muddy, practice and games are cancelled on account of the kids not knowing what to do. “So coach, you’re telling us that we don’t need our life jackets and we’re not going to be mud wrestling? What are we going to do?” “Play real baseball.” “You’re going to have to start from the beginning.” The good news is that kids in Forks all know how to swim after their first year of T-ball. The bad news is that this year, the weather has been nice and … wait for it, wait for it, DRY. I know, it’s shocking to me as well. I’ve never seen a dry, mud-free baseball season before. All children are going home with the correct parents at least, but none of the kids know how to swim. I’m considering asking for my money back as my daughter may be learning how to catch and throw, but she still has not mastered the art of swimming safely to first base. Isn’t that what T-ball is all about? It’s not? Oh, only in Forks. Who knew?