An unpleasant — oops I meant to say, an unpleased visitor to Forks recently was ranting about something that she was extremely unhappy with during her stay in our little town.
At the end of her rant (which I’m sure was over something very life-altering such as that she asked for no ice in her water and was … *gasp* … given ice), she remarked that she was a writer. She ended the fiasco with a very dramatic, “And don’t think I won’t mention this whole incident in my column either!”
Side note: Those anti-ice folks are very serious about their iceless drinks. I’m not even kidding about that.
Back to the point, being the very mature adult that I always claim to be, but never really am, I told my friend who was threatened, “Don’t worry about her, I’ll put her in my column for threatening to mention you in her column.”
It seemed like a really swell plan until I thought it out. What if she reads my column about her column and then writes a column about how my column mentioned her column? Clearly at that point, I would have no other choice than to write another column about how her column mentioned my column for mentioning her column. This thing could really get out of hand and so I’m not even going to bring up column lady … much.
As a columnist though, I do feel the need to point out that not all of us are such jerks. I have never, ever threatened to put anyone in my column. In fact, I actually spend a lot of time assuring people that I WON’T put them in my column. Just this week I’ve been assuring my boss almost hourly that I will not discuss a soap/lotion mishap here. And I’m keeping my promise on that too, boss!
I do confess to using my column in my favor once though. I was getting some food at Sully’s a few months ago and the cashier asked to see my ID when I went to pay with my debit card. My ID was 40 miles away at my then-home (which was OK because I wasn’t driving because I never drive without my ID because I am not a law-breaker because I am a rule follower because that’s what good people of the community do).
Anyway, I panicked about not having my ID because I REALLY wanted a Tall Timber, but I didn’t have any cash. Suddenly, an idea came to mind, “My picture is next to my name in the paper. I’ll show her a Forks Forum!” I asked the cashier if she had a Forks Forum handy. She looked at me like I was nuts, but in the end I got my Tall Timber Burger. On my way out, I said to the good people of Sully’s, “And don’t think I won’t mention this incident in my column either!”
For questions, comments or if you would like to hear about the soap/lotion mishap, e-mail me at [email protected]