Traitoring for a good cause

  • Fri Apr 29th, 2016 10:51pm
  • Life


I have committed the ultimate Forksonite betrayal. I stopped in the middle of the highway to take a picture. There, I said it. I feel better getting that off my chest. Before you run me out of town for my heinous transgressions, please know that it was for a good cause.


I know that it’s hard to imagine there is ever a good reason to stop in the middle of the road to take a picture, but hear me out before starting the criminal proceedings …

The day started out much like every other day. I woke up early and spent the rest of my morning working very hard to come up with the motivation to put pants on. A mere five hours later, “Operation: Get Dressed” was a success and I left for work.

Within a mile of my destination, an alarming discovery was made. I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I turned around to investigate. My eyes were not deceiving me. There was the proof, in black and white … well, black and yellow I guess. It was a caution sign and one that has been completely ignored by the media, which is not surprising.

As most of you know, I am often unfairly accused of being a real journalist. People email me things such as, “Get your facts straight!” or my all-time, personal favorite, “You’re tainting the reputation of the paper with your inflammatory words!” These emails make me wonder if I am failing at satire (and life in general). Maybe I should be a real journalist? Maybe I would be better at it?

Considering all of this, when I saw the caution sign, I said to myself, “Christy! Here is your chance to break out into the world of real reporting! People need to know about the hoola hoopers in the Kalaloch area!”

Yes, you read that right! Apparently hoola hooping is extremely common there. What’s worse, the hoola hoopers have seemingly had a lot of run-ins with vehicles on that stretch of highway. Otherwise, there would be no caution sign. Why has no one reported on this???!!

The only explanation that I could come up with for the media’s silence on this matter was that maybe they feared no one would believe them. I needed proof. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to pull over. My hands were tied. I needed to stop in the middle of the highway to take the picture.

The thought of doing it made me sick at first. How dare I betray the fine people of Forks? But what choice did I have? It was either stop in the highway or continue to ignore this issue of the hoola hoopers. I choose to be a traitor for the greater good. I’m hoping that everyone can forgive me. I’m also hoping that with the knowledge I have supplied via “real journalist-ing,” hoola hoopers and drivers can co-exist in that area safely. That’s my second biggest dream … behind people never confusing me with a real journalist ever again.

For a list of other acceptable times to stop in the middle of the highway, you’re out of luck. There aren’t any. For questions or comments, email me at [email protected]