Birthday suit

I have grown three humans in my womb, have a love/hate relationship with all unhealthy food, despise exercise and consider kale .....


I have grown three humans in my womb, have a love/hate relationship with all unhealthy food, despise exercise and consider kale a four-letter word … literally and metaphorically. Consequently, my weight has bounced around more than a bobble head on a logging road. As for scars, I have them … lots of them. They all come with really cool stories, but in the end they still make my body considered “flawed” in every artificial body standard there is in our sad little world.

Lastly, I have pale skin that has absolutely no ability to change to any other color besides tomato, if that’s even an official crayon color. If not, it should be. Someone call Crayola immediately.

Considering all of this information, while I’m comfortable in my own skin (kind of), I have no intentions of posing for nude pictures … ever. This is a very random start to a column, I know. There is a point, I promise.

Recently, it has come to my attention that at least one reader thinks the head shot attached to my column every week appears to be a nude photograph of me. The picture was taken by the talented Kaelee Felton of KaeFelton Photography. I’ve known and loved Kaelee since we were in the fifth grade, but I can assure you that I’m not comfortable enough around her to pose nude. Likewise, I’m not sure she has intentions of adding nudes to her portfolio, but I could be wrong.

Either way, I’m definitely not naked in that picture. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing; my favorite jeans, brown sandals and a white shirt with the shoulders cut out that I just recently found destroyed in the washing machine. On a side note, I was incredibly depressed to find the shirt had been ruined because it was one of my favorite shirts.

Anyway, I’ve heard many comments in regards to my head shot (commonly that I look better in the picture than in person), but in three years, this is the first time that anyone told me it looks like a nude shot.

In an attempt to keep this newspaper PG, I have made the decision to change the picture. Who knows what lawsuit could be filed in today’s day and age? After all, someone is currently suing a coffee corporation for including too much ice in their ICED drinks. By the way, in case some of you have forgotten, I did try to warn of the reality that the anti-ice folks are extremely hardcore. The iced coffee lawsuit is a result of no one listening to me. To be fair, I do make a lot of stuff up so that’s understandable.

Nonetheless, starting this week, you will notice a new head shot up there … one that could not possibly cause any confusion about whether or not I am wearing clothes. Big thanks for the heads up from the reader who brought this situation to light!

For questions, comments or other crayon color ideas that I’ve thought up, please email me at