Are you my cousin?

If anyone knows Dewey (Dewy?) Rasmussen, could you please have him contact me? I need to get together with him to discuss family trees so I can start answering truthfully to the millions of people who are dying to know whether I am related to him. Frankly, I am tired of saying, “I don’t know. I’ve never met the guy.” I would much rather answer something like, “He’s my half-cousin, twice removed, three times reinstated by marriage.”

 

Side note: No one knows what the “removed” or “reinstated” business is all about (with the exception of the person who will feel the need, and somehow have the time, to email me a 15-page essay explaining it). I’ve used both in this column, but I don’t have any idea what they mean. Personally, I think they are just made up concepts for exaggerator-ers like me, but I’m sure I will be proved wrong.

Back to the point though, if I had to guess, I would say that Dewey is not my cousin because he has never been to any of the official Rasmussen family reunions. That being said, we’ve never had a Rasmussen family reunion, so that might explain his absence … and my absence as well.

While we’re on the subject of who is related to whom and how they are related, I feel the need to publicly state once and for all that my dad is Tim. The confusion over which T. Rasmussen I was born to has caused quite a few family feuds … and I don’t mean fun appearances on the show. I mean like people not speaking to each other for three full minutes.

For example, a few months ago, when a lady learned my last name, she commented that she really liked my dad’s wife. I had just talked to my dad two hours prior and he never mentioned dating anyone, let alone becoming betrothed to someone. We only started speaking again when the lady mentioned the name Terri, which happens to be the name of my lovely aunt, who happens to be married to a different T. Rasmussen. Once I realized the confusion, I ended the three-minute feud with my dad … that really only happened in my head.

Lastly, in regard to the Rasmussen family, I have no sisters. This confusion happens often because there are a lot of Rasmussen girls and we’re all obviously gorgeous. To straighten things out, no, I am not a sibling to Nicole, Pam, Teresa or Makayla. I am Teddy’s sister … not to be confused with my Uncle Ted’s sister. His sister is Brenda, who is my aunt and not my mom.

Hope this clears up all Rasmussen related questions … with the exception of the Dewey mystery, which I will hopefully solve soon.

For questions, comments or to get me in touch with Jake, Michael or Pete Rasmussen (all of whom I also get asked if I’m related to), please email me at [email protected]