Ethel Returns

If you have been reading this for very long, you might remember my friend Ethel. Ethel appeared in a column a few months ago

If you have been reading this for very long, you might remember my friend Ethel. Ethel appeared in a column a few months ago about hippies. It was revealed in the column that Ethel is not really named Ethel, is not a hippie, is not an old lady and does not have big hips. Now that you’re up to speed, let’s move along to another Ethel tale.

Ethel moved into an apartment overlooking main street. Like any 4th of July obsessed, resident of Forks, I replied to her apartment news with, “Wow! You’re going to have the best view of the parade!” I assumed that Ethel moved in to this apartment strictly for parade-watching purposes. I was wrong. Ethel did not move in for the parade. In fact, she was confused as to why people kept mentioning her parade view. It’s her first day.

If Ethel were indigenous to Forks, she would understand the amazing gift that she has been given. On July 4th, there isn’t a resident in Forks who isn’t jealous of all the apartment dwellers that get to watch the parade from their windows. Not only that, but I would bet those who live in apartments overlooking main street have no shortage of friends around parade time. I’m sure everyone comes out of the woodwork to attempt to get a front-row seat.

I personally have spent the better part of my 30 years promising to someday live in the Almar Building, but it has yet to happen. I’m still hopeful though. I haven’t actually stepped foot in any of these apartments so I have no idea how nice or un-nice they are. Perhaps these apartments are filled with spiders, bedbugs, or worse — 1970s wallpaper. I don’t know, but I don’t care. I’d sign the lease, no questions asked, just to watch the parade from up there.

And then I’d paint over the wallpaper. I can live with critters, but 1970s wallpaper is what nightmares are made of.

Sadly, I’m sure that the waiting list for an Almar Apartment is at least a kilometer long, however long that is. So it doesn’t appear that I’ll be living there in time for this year’s parade. This is OK though because Christi and I have discussed being participants in the parade.

I don’t have any details to reveal because we’re still in the planning stages of it all. By planning stages I mean that I said to her, “Hey, we should be in the parade!” and Christi replied, “Yes! Let’s begin the planning.” So that’s where we’re at with that.

What I can tell you is that I’m going to be pushing for a Mardi Gras-style, bead-throwing theme for all of the apartment dwellers to participate in. I feel this will definitely make a good thing more gooder!

For questions, comments, or to tell me that gooder is not a real word, e-mail me at