We need to talk

Police Chief Rick Bart’s name can be rearranged to spell “Bar Trick.” This has very little to do with the column. I just thought it was funny.

Now, on to the point of the column. My least favorite sentence in the entire English language is, “We need to talk.” This sentence will send chills up my spine immediately. I instantly will go through the 1,396,430 bad things that I have done in my life. “Oh no! They’ve discovered that I signed my dad’s name on my seventh-grade field trip permission slip! I’m doomed now. My life as I know it is over!”

Let’s face it, no one ever gives good news that way. A former boss and I used to have a long running joke about that. We would say things like, “We need to talk … I’m giving you a raise!” Our joke was made even funnier by the fact that he used this dreaded sentence in each of the three times that he scolded me. They were all well-earned scoldings by the way.

Knowing how much I hate that sentence, you can understand why my blood pressure went through the roof when a more recent boss said to me, “Christy, we need to talk.” I wondered to myself, “Is this about me washing my hands for 19.5 seconds last week instead of the recommended 20 seconds?”

It wasn’t about the 19.5-second hand washing. Lucky for me, I didn’t admit that information freely. Instead, my boss said, “Christy, I’ve heard you want your hours cut back when your daughter starts school.”

“Oh great!” I thought. “He’s going to cut my hours back alright … to zero.” He continued, “Well, we need someone to write a blog for us. Would you be interested in doing that?” For the first time in my life, good news followed a “We need to talk.” It seems there might be some hope for that sentence, but I’m still not a fan.

So I hope you’ll excuse my hypocrisy for a moment, but we need to talk. I think we should take a break break. It’s not you. Seriously. Yes, I know that everyone says that (and it usually is you), but in this case, it truly is me. I need some time off because so far, 2015 has been quite the shitastrophy for me.

Wait, can I use that word in here? *Elevator Music* Survey says yes. OK, good.

As I was saying, 2015 has been super craptastic so I am taking a month to regroup, breathe, relax, etc. I just want to spend some time doing the truly important things in life … like rearranging the letters in the names of other city officials. I have a feeling that Rod Fleck can be rearranged into something really great. I’ll let you know. Until then, I hope you enjoy my column re-runs!