This electronic warfarring business has become the most talked about topic in Forks since last month when someone got pulled over on Division Street. I brought up this controversial subject (the electronic warfare, not the traffic infraction) last week in my column and was accused of writing inflammatory satire.
Inflammatory satire? Satire maybe, but the word “inflammatory” insinuates that I am stirring the pot. I believe that when the Navy is secretive about RADIATION experiments, the pot stirs itself. I personally appreciate a pot that stirs itself for my column’s sake. I really wish that I could find a cooking pot that stirred itself as well. I often find myself struggling to get scalded food off the bottom of my pots because I’m not a good cook. I’m not even an okay cook. I just suck.
Anyway, back to the electronic warfarredge, just as I was finishing getting ready for work on Friday afternoon, my power went out. Power outages aren’t exactly a rare occurrence here and so I wasn’t immediately concerned. With all the scheduled power outages that Forks had last year, it seemed we had more days without power than with, though my PUD bills did not back up this theory at all.
Regularly occurring or not, I grabbed my phone to see how long this power outage would last. I could not find any information at all because I had no service on my phone. This was starting to cause some concern. Why did I lose service AND power at the same time? Then it hit me and panic set it. “It has begun! We are already being electronically warfarred upon!”
I ran out to my car to see if I could get any information from the radio station. No stations were coming through. This greatly added to my heightened hysteria. Sure, I haven’t been able to get any stations since my antenna was amputated by a tree last winter, but I was certain that the static was even more static-ish. I dropped to my knees. “Noooo….they’ve even electronically warfarred the radio stations!”
When everything was said and done and the electronic warfarring had ended, stories began swirling around about some fiber optic line being cut. Then someone else said that a truck hit a pole. I even heard that there was a zombie apocalypse. Clearly those responsible for the electronic warfarring know how rumors work in Forks. They are using the Forks Rumor Mill to confuse us. Well played Navy people. I underestimated your powers.
Now, I know that some of you may be thinking that all of this electronic warfarring talk has turned me into a foil hat-wearing, paranoid, nut job. You couldn’t be further from the truth. I am actually wearing my dad’s old hard hat from his logging days. These work much better to protect from harmful radiation. Everyone knows that. Either way, we all managed to survive the first electronic warfarredge so that’s good.
This inflammatory satire has been brought to you by Christy Rasmussen-Ford at christyrasmussen@yahoo.com
