Educate Yourself

In response to a column that I wrote a few weeks ago, a lovely lady from out of town (and clearly a fan) e-mailed me. She wrote those three little words that everyone loves to hear: “Educate yourself sometime!” That was it. No “How are you? How are the kids? How’s the weather?” Just a simple direction to educate myself.

Not wanting to let a beloved reader down, I set out to become educated. This wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Her directions were very vague. Where would I even start? I really wanted to make this reader happy. Yet I had no idea what exactly I needed educated on.

I decided that I should just educate myself on everything … to cover all the bases. There is no such thing as too much education.

On a Tuesday afternoon, I read the Bible, the 2014 World Almanac, the new health care bill, the Los Angeles phone book, every edition of the New York Times, the newest tax code and Harry Potter … but only the third one.

Four hours later, I was confident that I had educated myself thoroughly. I knew all there was to know, with the exception of who really let the dogs out. The world will never know who did that …

When I e-mailed back with my newly acquired education, she said that she meant that I needed to educate myself on the issues of Forks. Unfortunately, it seems that my helpful fan was talking a little bit more figuratively. It’s really hard to tell what people mean in an e-mail. Some people are not born with the talent of getting sarcasm across in writing.

Now, I’ve lived here for the better part of my 29 years. Therefore, I thought suggesting that I learn more about Forks was rather silly. I think I’m well educated when it comes to my hometown. After all, this is where my family has lived since the last ice age or so. I guess I was wrong. My reader was much more educated … thanks to the Internet.

In an attempt to learn as much about this town as the lady who has never been here (just an irrelevant detail of course), I went to the library. I was searching for a book titled, “Forks, WA for Dummies” or something like that. Our library didn’t have any such books, something I’m sure my fan already was well-aware of. I e-mailed this lady back to ask where I might find this kind of book or a similar website.

She replied that she was done talking to such a talented writer with an extremely wonderful sense of humor … or something along those lines anyway.

Unfortunately, at this point, I have no idea how to become educated on Forks. I really wish I would have been born and raised here. Oh, wait …