Shortly after moving in to our humble abode, my family purchased and installed a high-tech home security system to protect us from the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). We live in the middle of nowhere (actually 40 minutes outside of Forks) so we need some kind of security system. His name is Tucker and he’s a year-old lab-mixed with goodness knows what else.
The other night, I read a Facebook thingy about Initiative 594 (gun control measure). It instructed Forks folks to vote no on the initiative because the entire town of Forks is going to be jailed if it passes. According to the Facebook thingy, merely handing your gun to anyone, including your dog, will get you thrown in jail if you do not go through the proper channels of transfershipness.
This electronic warfarring business has become the most talked about topic in Forks since last month when someone got pulled over on Division Street. I brought up this controversial subject (the electronic warfare, not the traffic infraction) last week in my column and was accused of writing inflammatory satire.
I wonder if you have perhaps considered just getting a job. By job, I mean where you would work for a legitimate business and receive a legitimate paycheck. This seems like such a Captain Obvious solution, but maybe no one has ever suggested this to you before? Maybe you have never even heard of jobs. It may be hard to believe now, but it is hip to be square. Jobs surprisingly come with a lot of perks.
The history behind how Forks was named is not a mystery. Pretty much everyone here knows that the Calawah, Bogachiel and Sol Duc rivers once had an abundance of silverware flowing through them. Unfortunately, due to the Utensil Rush of 1910 (another part of history that pretty much everyone here knows about), the once proud silverware population is now almost non-existent. It’s a sad tale really, but while how Forks was named is not news to anyone, perhaps there are some who do not know how the rivers around here were named?
A few weeks ago, after a particularly tough week down at the city hall, the mayor stopped by Dave Zellar’s office and said to Dave, “After a week like that, you really need to paint the town red this weekend!” Dave, who is in charge of painting projects in Forks, took these words literally and got to work immediately.
Last week, there was an announcement that money is available for projects that promote tourism. I think this is the wrong time to announce this. At the end of August, there isn’t a single Forks resident thinking, “What we really need are MORE tourists on the road right now!” Thankfully, once November hits, our wounds from tourist season usually are heale.
Back in the mid-1990s, I was in the news a lot. I even made the Peninsula Daily News, which is obviously celebrity status. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite an A-List celebrity because no woman ever asked me to sign her chest. This was probably a good thing because I was 11 and that would have been awkward. Actually, I think today it would still be awkward.
A week ago or so, some bicyclists were passing through town. They stopped at Tillicum Park and then were pelted by rocks for no reason at all. This was probably done by a local who was irritated by tourists.
With summer coming to an end, many of you are finally getting the chance to leave this narrow-minded, rainy, boring, depressing, one-stop light town! You have been dreaming about this time for as long as you can remember. You’re driving out of Forks and never looking back. Good for you! You will love the big city life (or life in any area that has more than one stop light.) There will be fun things to do, more fast food restaurants than you can count and anonymity!
It seems to me that there are way too many drivers who lose all common sense immediately upon Lake Crescent. I’m not just talking tourists either. Some of the worst offenders are driving cars with bumper stickers that read, “Proudly Supported by Timber Dollars.”
The only answer to this problem is to require certification. No valid proof that you are a Certified Lake Crescent Driver? Sorry, you’re not allowed to operate your vehicle between Fairholm and Shadow Mountain.
In response to a column that I wrote a few weeks ago, a lovely lady from out of town (and clearly a fan) e-mailed me. She wrote those three little words that everyone loves to hear: “Educate yourself sometime!” That was it. No “How are you? How are the kids? How’s the weather?” Just a simple direction to educate myself.
As my faithful readers (pretty much just my Grandpa) will recall, a few months ago I wrote an investigative article on the White Rock Scandal of 2014. For those of you who skipped over my column because it’s a joke … literally and maybe figuratively depending on who you ask … I will bring you up to speed.
Basically I exposed the vandalizationing (not a real word) of the White Rock. I included some pretty concrete evidence, mainly consisting of non-concrete evidence, which concluded that Forks City Attorney Rod Fleck was the guilty party. What does Rod Fleck have to say about these alleged allegatory (also not a word) allegations? His official response was, “Call my attorney.” … which happens to be himself.
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