Attention owners of unattractive horses

A not so pretty horse.....


To everyone thinking of moving to Wilbur, Wash., the place is not as amazing as you think. Before you pack up and move there, you should know the ugly side; riding ugly horses through town is illegal. I’m not even making this up. If you have a horse that is not visually appealing (and you need to be honest with yourself) AND have intentions of riding it through town (because who doesn’t), Wilbur is not for you!

Now, a person always could take their chances and hope that the Wilbur officials don’t bother with such a law, but if I know Wilbur (and I don’t), I wouldn’t take that chance. They have a population of 851. My guess is that they have a lot of time on their hands to write tickets for such things. And who gets to decide your horse’s beauty (or lack of)? The police officers and the judge! With a population of 851, one person probably holds both positions so you can’t even hope that maybe one of the two will like your horse.

I’m just saying, I wouldn’t move there.

Hopefully I’ve talked you into staying here in Forks, but please don’t assume that this area is perfect either. In fact, the entire state of Washington has one law that I think we can all agree is unfair and hard to abide by: the illegality of harassing Bigfoot. Are you kidding me? That was the first thing I was going to do when I ran into Bigfoot! Now that I know it can land me in prison for 10 years (seriously), I have to go with Plan B if an encounter occurs — running away and screaming my head off.

The real draw to this area, in regard to the law, is the mandatory-ness of a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police about it as he is entering the town. I’m sure that Rick Bart can attest to the fact that this law is followed 100 percent none of the time.

But where do I recommend living for those who just cannot get over the ugly horse and Bigfoot laws? Georgia … and not for the peaches either. I hate peaches. Weird, I know. No, move to Georgia for their fried chicken laws! When eating fried chicken in Georgia, it is illegal to use a fork … as it absolutely should be! This law alone won me over on the idea of relocating there.

People who use forks to eat fried chicken are heathens and I am happy to know that my neighbors won’t be doing it!

So, unless there is a law stating that a columnist cannot write about towns in which they do not live (and there probably is), I’ll be writing to you from Georgia soon … when I’m not riding my homely horse, of course. Ha, that sounds like that song.

For more information on Wilbur, Wash., you’re going to have to ask someone else because I’ve only known of its existence for about four hours now. However, you can e-mail me at christ[email protected] for other reasons.