Certified Lake Crescent Driver

It seems to me that there are way too many drivers who lose all common sense immediately upon Lake Crescent. I’m not just talking tourists either. Some of the worst offenders are driving cars with bumper stickers that read, “Proudly Supported by Timber Dollars.”

The only answer to this problem is to require certification. No valid proof that you are a Certified Lake Crescent Driver? Sorry, you’re not allowed to operate your vehicle between Fairholm and Shadow Mountain.

If my plan goes accordingly, there will be a certification test which features questions such as; “Does the survival of the human race depend on braking at every bend in the road around Lake Crescent?” The correct answer will be “C; No.”

Underneath the answer will be a short explanation such as; “When driving the speed limit around the lake, cars will be moving slightly slower than a slug with a limp. Breaking is barely necessary. One’s brakes should be getting less action around the lake than a 40 year old who still lives in his mom’s basement.”

Another example of a possible question could be; “What are the wide spots on the side of the road around Lake Crescent?” The answer will be “C; Turns-Outs.”

Underneath will be another explanation such as; “Lake Crescent is the proud innovator of a new and exciting concept known as “The Turn-Out”.

Basically it is just a wide spot that can be used by drivers to pull off the road when necessary. An example of necessary could be when one is the leader of 17 cars. To encourage more people to take advantage of  “Turn-Outs”, they have been placed every ten feet around the lake.

Another question on the test could be; “What should one when driving in front of a log truck on Lake Crescent?” The answer will be “C; Move.”

The explanation underneath will be something like; “Truck drivers usually tailgate so closely that their recently purchased mini-tacos can be smelled by the driver in front of them. This is because their trucks were never installed with brakes. For that reason, just get off the road if one is behind you.

Once they pass, feel free to follow them at their average speed of 425 MPH.”

Lastly, a great question for the test would be; “When is it acceptable to stop in the middle of the road to take a picture of Lake Crescent?” The answer will be “C; Never.” If one fails this question, or is ever caught doing this, they should be permanently banned from ever driving the lake again.

I think implementing a certification process will help everyone. Unfortunately, I don’t make the laws around here. What we need is a group of protestors to come together to make this happen. Sadly, there aren’t any locals with enough free time on their hands. We all have jobs. Where are the out-of-town protestors when they could actually be useful?

If you would like more information regarding the mini-tacos featured in this column, send questions to [email protected]