Complimentary Nasal Rebreathers

In response to last week’s column about the hot springs aroma, someone said to themselves, “I’ll show her!” and alerted me to their wonderful article explaining why some hot springs smell. It was cleverly titled “Why Some Hot Springs Smell.” Well, they certainly did show me! I was ridiculously enlightened on this very electrifying subject!

For those of you who didn’t major in the smells of the hot springs (and are regretting that choice now, I’m sure), I will sum up the scientific process. Basically the smell is the result of the product of the byproduct of the correlation of the sum between two right angles and one left angle.

When that occurs, the oxygen hydrates into nothing but particles of hydrated oxygen, which means that the active transporter absorbs the bell curve to the point of no return. All of this combined gives the effect of a calibrated catalyst and very dense magnetism of which can usually be measured by a skewed distributor cap, but not always.

So, to answer why some hot springs smell, they just do.

The author described the smell in his article with the term “rotten eggs.” Well, let me just tell you … while writing my last column, that same term bounced around my head many times. Yet, you will notice that I never used it. Why? Because I didn’t want to offend anyone, specifically the rotten eggs of the world who are saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just compare us to the hot springs? We don’t smell THAT bad!”

As captivating as all that science was, the highlight of the article for me was a little fun fact: “During the latter part of the 19th century, many of the exclusive hot springs resorts supplied guests with nasal rebreathers that were said to help eliminate the odors associated with hot springs. Rebreather menus in the guests’ lodgings allowed them to pick their nose prior to taking the waters.”

Obviously, this fun fact left me with one burning question; why did they need to pick their noses prior to taking the waters? Were boogers not as welcome back then? Thankfully, I would not need to ponder those questions very long because the author has another article titled, “Hot Springs Etiquette.” This article states (and I am not making any of this up), “Good hot springs etiquette dictates not to blow your nose in the water.” So that’s why they had to pick their nose prior to taking the waters, I guess.

Now that I’ve learned all there is to know about the hot springs smell topic, I’m just wondering why there aren’t complimentary nasal rebreathers anymore. Is this a budget thing? If so, we need to work something out. Surely we can make some cuts somewhere to bring those back. I mean … really … are lifeguards more important than our offended noses? I think not. It’s all about priorities, people.

For questions or comments, you will absolutely not be able to find me at the hot springs anymore, but you can e-mail me at [email protected]