Letter to Thievers

Crime doesn't pay.

Dear Sir or Ma’am,

I wonder if you have perhaps considered just getting a job. By job, I mean where you would work for a legitimate business and receive a legitimate paycheck. This seems like such a Captain Obvious solution, but maybe no one has ever suggested this to you before? Maybe you have never even heard of jobs. It may be hard to believe now, but it is hip to be square. Jobs surprisingly come with a lot of perks.

For starters, I assume that thieving requires quite a bit of work for a small amount of pay. As it is, you spend a lot of time casing places, breaking in and then finally thieving.

Then, the thieved goods need sold in order to make the whole thing worth it. Some of these random thievened items probably don’t sell immediately. This whole process is like working overtime. With jobs, your employer would have to pay extra for such long hours, as required per the law. Unfortunately, in the thieving industry, overtime is not granted. Mostly because this industry is illegal.

Another perk of having a job is that you can more or less choose the hours that you want to work. Unfortunately, the world of thieving is pretty much limited to between midnight and 5 a.m. With a job, you could work a 9-5 if you prefer that sort of thing.

Personally, I like working slightly later in the day because I’m not a morning person. Due to having a job, I can work whatever shift I want. Thievers do not have this option. Work is only available at night when no one can see you.

But wait, there’s more! With a job there are things like promotions and raises and bonuses. If you continue to thieve, none of these things are possible.

I mean, what could a thief get promoted to? Thief Manager? CEO of Thieving? I don’t think there are such positions.

Even if there are, thieving will never get you featured in Forbes magazine. With a job, this is a possibility! If nothing else, at least you will finally be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Maybe I still haven’t sold you on getting a job. Maybe you are saying to yourself, “But thieving is my true calling in life!” I get that. I’m a follower of dreams, too.Life is too short to do otherwise.

That being said, please consider the following option: strictly stick to thieving from other thieves. The way I see it, there are very few losers with this plan. Innocent people will no longer be victimized and you can pretend that you are like Robin Hood or whatever quacks your duck.

Also, with this plan, no one will ever call the cops on you. Think about it, who calls the police to report their thievened goods thieved? No one. Win-win all around.

Preferably though, you will just stop breaking into places and get a job.

Sincerely,

[email protected]