Painting the town Red

Freshly painted Forks fire hydrant.


A few weeks ago, after a particularly tough week down at the city hall, the mayor stopped by Dave Zellar’s office and said to Dave, “After a week like that, you really need to paint the town red this weekend!” Dave, who is in charge of painting projects in Forks, took these words literally and got to work immediately.

He thought he could have all of Forks painted red by Sunday night, but it was a big job. As with all government projects, there was a mandatory 5:1 ratio of “supervisors” to actual people working. This is a Federal Law in case you didn’t know. That is why you always see a group of workers watching one person do all the work. We all joke about it, but it’s a law that must be followed.

Because of the lack of people allowed to actually hold paint brushes, only a tiny fraction of Forks was painted red. Dave was disappointed, but he knew that the mayor would understand that his hands were tied over the 5:1 law.

On Monday morning, Dave informed the mayor of his progress. “I’m sorry to say that I only got a small portion of the town painted. I just couldn’t get it done in one weekend.” Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, the mayor said, “Dave, painting the town red is a figure of speech.” As you can imagine, when Dave realized his error, his face was the exact shade of red that he had used to paint the town.

Knowing that this misunderstanding would result in city officials becoming the laughing stock of the state and maybe even the country, the mayor summoned all city hall employees into his office for a meeting. The room was awkwardly crowded because the mayor doesn’t have an especially large office. This is irrelevant to the story, but I mention it in case anyone lies awake at night wondering how big of an office the mayor has.

“We need a cover story for Dave’s recent mishap,” the mayor told his employees once the meeting began. Everyone was willing to help, with the exception of Rod Fleck, who said, “I can’t afford to be a part of any new paint scandals.” Everyone agreed that this was best.

Many ideas were thrown out by the good people at city hall in an attempt to save face, but eventually the mayor decided to go with a simple, “Red stands out quite well.” In all honesty, I would have gone with a better story such as that Outfitters was having a huge sale on red paint. Then again I’m not the mayor.

Anyway, this is the truth behind why the fire hydrants all have been painted red recently. Whether or not they were the result of a blunder, they look fabulous. Well done, Dave!

If you would like to know the truth about anything happening in Forks (my version of the truth anyway), e-mail me at [email protected]