Toddlers Assault Tourists


A week ago or so, some bicyclists were passing through town. They stopped at Tillicum Park and then were pelted by rocks for no reason at all. This was probably done by a local who was irritated by tourists.

Having lived here for most of my life, I understand that tourists can be frustrating. They stop in the middle of the road to take pictures, often go 30-40 miles under the speed limit … in 30-40 mph zones and just seem confused all the time.

However, we have a need for toural dollars in Forks.

Toural is not a word, but it should be. Toural dollars are more important now than ever with the closing of Interfor. The assaulted tourists will not be visiting Forks again. Neither will any of the 2.5 million other tourists that they warned. Their toural dollars will be spent in other areas. So, that’s good.

Clearly this assault was done by a toddler. After all, throwing rocks at people for no logical reason has “toddler mentality” written all over it. No one over the age of 4 would do this. Toddlers though, are notoriously jerkish.

If you are a parent, you know that it takes patience, love and lots of vodka to get through the toddler stage. Replace vodka with your personal choice of alcohol if need be. Whiskey, tequila, rum, etc. I’m not judging.

I have a toddler so I immediately came to the conclusion that she was the guilty party. Madelyn has a shortage of logic and throws things when mad. I’ve never seen her throw rocks, but I refuse to be the “not my kid” parent.

The whole incident probably started after a tourist sat in the swing that Madelyn decided she must have NOW! Add in the fact that Madelyn thinks everything is hers and you can see how things quickly could escalate in a situation like this.

Case closed, right? Wrong. My daughter has an alibi. She’s been in bed every night for months. Two credible witnesses back up her story; a baby doll and a stuffed monkey (her BFF).

Unfortunately, with Madelyn being cleared as a suspect, we are back to square one. Our focus is still on toddlers in the area though. If you have a child between the ages of 1-3, you might want to question them about their whereabouts for the last couple of nights.

Check their hands for dirt marks resembling the small rock patterns at Tillicum Park. Ask their stuffed animals if they have been acting strange lately. Let’s get to the bottom of this and uncover the toddler (or the adult with a toddler mentality) who threw rocks at harmless people just passing through.

Lastly, I would like to thank whoever was responsible for preserving the stereotype that all Forks residents are jerks. Considering that 99 percent of us are friendly, we almost became known as a nice community to visit. Thanks for turning things around for us.