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An unpleasant — oops I meant to say, an unpleased visitor to Forks recently was ranting about something that she was extremely unhappy with during her stay in our little town.........
A few weeks ago, my co-workers and I were swapping stories of being pulled over for various traffic violations.............
Police Chief Rick Bart's name can be rearranged to spell "Bar Trick." This has very little to do with the column. I just thought it was funny. Now, on to the point
If there is one thing that I wish someone would have said to me back when I was graduating high school, it would have been, “Just sleep on it!”
An out-of-towner recently asked me if I knew a guy named Rod Fleck. “Of course I know him!” would have been the truthful answer
A long, long time ago (last fall), in a land far, far away (30 miles out of Forks), I was pulled over by a law enforcement officer
Mothers often are unfairly pegged as being nags who worry too much. That was not the case with my "mother" (my gram).
In a desperate situation, when she was fresh out of the potty training stage, I taught my oldest to go to the bathroom in the great
Having grown up here, I am no stranger to the neverending generosity and support found in Forks. Most of you probably bought something from me at one time or another when I was in school.
You have been forced to stare at my mug up there 125 times. I apologize for that, but to celebrate my 125th column
If you don’t know me, you should know that I’m roughly as tall as the average third-grader. For this reason,
A little over two years ago, an otherwise logical man came to a very illogical conclusion that I was wife-material. He proposed on Christmas Day with a karat and a carrot (seriously). Like any normal woman,
Back when I was a kid, I really hated when old people started sentences with “Back when I was a kid.” Now that I’m old, I start at least 66.67 percent of my sentences with this phrase and I don’t care what
I say that I have a day job, but technically speaking, I work at night. I would say “night job” but that sounds
If anyone can find a house in Forks that doesn’t have at least one pair of romeos inside, I will give you the entire contents of my savings
A few days from today would have been my grandma’s 77th birthday. In her memory, I’d like to share the following story:
If you have been reading this for very long, you might remember my friend Ethel. Ethel appeared in a column a few months ago
I am a huge fan of Chinook Pharmacy. I’m not just saying that to get a personal parking spot right in front either. If a reserved parking spot is offered as a “tip” for speaking highly of them, that would be OK, too,
’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town The businesses in Forks (except 76) were all closed down The decorations were hung down main street with flair
On the way to Port Angeles the other day, I was listening to some random Canadian radio station. It was coming in hit or miss.
10. Forks doesn’t get that much rain. Found on an online blog on the subject of Forks, “As someone told me who ACTUALLY lives in Forks, WA, it doesn't actually rain there very often.” Seriously?
10. I am thankful for all of the power outages that remind me to not take electricity or hot water for granted. My customers however, are not thankful for my lack of showers on these days that I am without hot water.
A list recently came out naming the most crime-filled places in Washington. Tacoma was voted the crimiest. This came as a complete shock to absolutely no one, with the exception of maybe some of the residents of Aberdeen who thought they had it in the bag this year. Aberdeen is scary, but not like Tacoma.
The school district is asking for input on mascotting the intermediate school, or as I like to call it, “Forks Elementary School, Part II”. At first I wondered why the students at FES Part II weren’t just allowed to pick the mascot that they wanted. Then I remembered what happened the last time the kids were allowed to choose their own mascot; 9 months later, we got the Puddle Jumpers.
A while back I was at the police station. Just to set the record straight, I did not arrive handcuffed in the back of a police car. I was there on my own free will … and no, not turning myself in either.
Shortly after moving in to our humble abode, my family purchased and installed a high-tech home security system to protect us from the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). We live in the middle of nowhere (actually 40 minutes outside of Forks) so we need some kind of security system. His name is Tucker and he’s a year-old lab-mixed with goodness knows what else.
The other night, I read a Facebook thingy about Initiative 594 (gun control measure). It instructed Forks folks to vote no on the initiative because the entire town of Forks is going to be jailed if it passes. According to the Facebook thingy, merely handing your gun to anyone, including your dog, will get you thrown in jail if you do not go through the proper channels of transfershipness.
This electronic warfarring business has become the most talked about topic in Forks since last month when someone got pulled over on Division Street. I brought up this controversial subject (the electronic warfare, not the traffic infraction) last week in my column and was accused of writing inflammatory satire.
I wonder if you have perhaps considered just getting a job. By job, I mean where you would work for a legitimate business and receive a legitimate paycheck. This seems like such a Captain Obvious solution, but maybe no one has ever suggested this to you before? Maybe you have never even heard of jobs. It may be hard to believe now, but it is hip to be square. Jobs surprisingly come with a lot of perks.
The history behind how Forks was named is not a mystery. Pretty much everyone here knows that the Calawah, Bogachiel and Sol Duc rivers once had an abundance of silverware flowing through them. Unfortunately, due to the Utensil Rush of 1910 (another part of history that pretty much everyone here knows about), the once proud silverware population is now almost non-existent. It’s a sad tale really, but while how Forks was named is not news to anyone, perhaps there are some who do not know how the rivers around here were named?
A few weeks ago, after a particularly tough week down at the city hall, the mayor stopped by Dave Zellar’s office and said to Dave, “After a week like that, you really need to paint the town red this weekend!” Dave, who is in charge of painting projects in Forks, took these words literally and got to work immediately.
Last week, there was an announcement that money is available for projects that promote tourism. I think this is the wrong time to announce this. At the end of August, there isn’t a single Forks resident thinking, "What we really need are MORE tourists on the road right now!” Thankfully, once November hits, our wounds from tourist season usually are heale.
Back in the mid-1990s, I was in the news a lot. I even made the Peninsula Daily News, which is obviously celebrity status. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite an A-List celebrity because no woman ever asked me to sign her chest. This was probably a good thing because I was 11 and that would have been awkward. Actually, I think today it would still be awkward.
A week ago or so, some bicyclists were passing through town. They stopped at Tillicum Park and then were pelted by rocks for no reason at all. This was probably done by a local who was irritated by tourists.
With summer coming to an end, many of you are finally getting the chance to leave this narrow-minded, rainy, boring, depressing, one-stop light town! You have been dreaming about this time for as long as you can remember. You’re driving out of Forks and never looking back. Good for you! You will love the big city life (or life in any area that has more than one stop light.) There will be fun things to do, more fast food restaurants than you can count and anonymity!
It seems to me that there are way too many drivers who lose all common sense immediately upon Lake Crescent. I’m not just talking tourists either. Some of the worst offenders are driving cars with bumper stickers that read, “Proudly Supported by Timber Dollars.” The only answer to this problem is to require certification. No valid proof that you are a Certified Lake Crescent Driver? Sorry, you’re not allowed to operate your vehicle between Fairholm and Shadow Mountain.
In response to a column that I wrote a few weeks ago, a lovely lady from out of town (and clearly a fan) e-mailed me. She wrote those three little words that everyone loves to hear: “Educate yourself sometime!” That was it. No “How are you? How are the kids? How’s the weather?” Just a simple direction to educate myself.
As my faithful readers (pretty much just my Grandpa) will recall, a few months ago I wrote an investigative article on the White Rock Scandal of 2014. For those of you who skipped over my column because it's a joke … literally and maybe figuratively depending on who you ask … I will bring you up to speed. Basically I exposed the vandalizationing (not a real word) of the White Rock. I included some pretty concrete evidence, mainly consisting of non-concrete evidence, which concluded that Forks City Attorney Rod Fleck was the guilty party. What does Rod Fleck have to say about these alleged allegatory (also not a word) allegations? His official response was, “Call my attorney.” … which happens to be himself.
Pop Quiz! It’s that time of the year again when I makes things up. Basically I do the same thing all year-round, but now it’s almost the 4th of July! In honor of this fabulous time for Forks residents, I present to you the first annual Forks 4th of July Quiz. I hope you studied. You’re not going to need it. 1. In what year did Forks start the Old-Fashioned 4th of July? 1. Back when “old-fashioned” was the new fashion. 2. In 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. 3. 10,000 B.C. 4. When the old gym was built, not to be confused with the new-old gym or the new-new gym.
The Real Forks: Between my epilepsy, appendectomy, occasional asthma flare-ups and complications from labor/deliveries, etc., I've been to the Forks Community Hospital more than most perhaps. I'd say that I'm a regular. Hopefully not the annoying regular that veteran employees trick the newbies into taking care of though. Because I've been there so often, I'm starting to really think they should offer some sort of frequent flier program. Maybe a rewards card? I'd even take a punch card where after 10 surgeries, you get one free! All I'm saying is that it has become standard practice for businesses to compensate regular customers.